I tell you everything that is really nothing,
and nothing of what is everything,
do not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully
and try to hear what I am not saying.
~Charles C. Finn
venusflytrap - I fed it three more bugs today. basically went around the house collecting insects. the trap doesnt like mosquitos much but ladybugs are a different story. so the damn fly that we caught yesterday was still alive today even after we all took turns waiting for it to get caught.
orchids (phal) - been reading up more on this plant. i need to buy some stuff for it. anyone know a good place to by dynagrow knl, superthrive, physan 20, and phyton 27?? also i want some clear plastic pots and some barks. the orchid potting soil that i got doesn't seem good for my plant. the weater here as been nice and cool and the plant needs high humidy. also the potting mix doesnt seem to dry well in this weather. I have thrown all three plants into a bag for now. waiting to get my chemical to help with the root rot and to help it grow some new roots. oh yea most of the roots on the plants are dead. so sad. i had an impluse to just go and buy more but i really need to get this right first before moving on. by the way anyone know when orchids go on sale? i wanna get a yellow flower one.
havn't been able to sleep still. i try not to rely on pills and dont take it until i really can't sleep. however the pills seem to take awhile to kick in. damn i need something to knock me out. crap hopefully i can get up early enough to get my blood test.
I bought a venus flytrap yesterday!! heheh i was so excited all the way home. we tested the plant with a toothpick and got creep out when the trap closed. today i caught a mosquito and threw it in my plant jar. we sat and watch the mosquito fly around and then we saw the it get caught. soo awesome!!
I will take pictures soon but for now take alook at the link. the plant i have looks like the animated one.
update: just caught a fly been waiting 15 minutes so far and its still alive in there. ok i sat here for over an hour just watching the fly avoiding the trap. this sucks!! damn plant eat it already!
Went to see another doctor today. Need to do another blood test soon. this doctor wants to rule out other problems that may exist since all blood test has come up normal. This is the third blood test between may 27 and today. all this is causing me so much stress. the doctor today recommends that I do the laser treatment but that cost 175/treatment and she said that I might need about 12 treatments. for someone that doesn't have a job at hand it’s a lot to put out for only 50% chance of success. I was asking about treatment for my other problem was told that insurance no longer cover it. Oh well. I will just have to look for alternatives until I decide whether to just charge everything. I freakin hate autoimmune conditions they freaking suck. my body is my enemy as of now, for it has pitted against me for so long now. crap recently I’ve been getting back aches every time I sneeze or cough. I am getting old. I miss my prime years; it feels like it was so long ago.
when the hell did my life become so stressing? I feel like I’ve been stress for so many years? Its like once my life went downhill I just have not been able to get back up there My self esteem, and self efficacy has all reached rocked bottom. I feel so helpless, moody, and many time just agitated. And still I stress about nonsense things, things that I have no control over. I mean seriously why do I stress about other people’s life or their actions, if they screw up their life what it got to do with me? Why do I insist on being there for stupid people who couldn’t give a damn about me? Why can’t I change the things/situations that cause me all kind of stress? How do I change my nature? I mean this has been me for as long as I can remember. Is there really hope that I can change all these negative aspects of me? GRrrrrr
I really believe that my stress is what causing both of these autoimmune conditions, that along with genetics predisposition. I hear that exercising is supposed to help with stress along with good sleep and diet. how the heck can I get that combination when I can't sleep at night anymore? ugh… Today I just got me a box of sleeping pills, hopefully it will help me get a good night sleep. I’m prolly gonna go out and hunt down all the vitamins and essential oils after my blood test tomorrow. I hope that stuff works!
By the end of this week my goal is come up with a plan so that I can start living a healthier and less stressful life. I must cleanse my mind, my body, and my soul.
the positive thoughts did not last that long in fact once i posted I pretty much lost confidence in my optimistic plan. I am going to freaking blame my problems on everyone! I am a freakin victim!!!
i thought i was ready to change especially since i was so damn moody all of May. Start of June, I had picked myself up a bit and then last week i was falling again into the pits. I think i get down on myself because I always end up doing stupid things. then i look back and ask myself what the heck was i thinking?
Today is the start of new week and hopefully another start for me to pick myself up. I don't know. I just feel like something is missing in my life. People are telling me its because I have no plans for my future and I have too much time at hand. I guess that is true in someway. whats missing in my life would be a "happy" place. I need some kind of place to escape to where no one can find me and bother me preferably by the water, sand, and sun (even though I really shouldn't be in the sun). if one day i make it big or make good money I am going to buy me a house near the waters. although i dunno if i enjoy it during hurricane and mosquito seasons.
Today I was talking to a long time "friend" that screwed me over again. damn I am too forgiving. seriously though why do i make these kinds of friends? these are the ones that say they will stand by you no matter what but then at the end they are the ones that screw u over for their own self reasons. when you point out that they are screwed up they come out with all kinds of excuse and can not take responsibilities to what they have done. backstabbing coward. sigh maybe this person never thought of me as a friend, freaking bitch ass!!! well as of today I no longer consider this person my friend, it would be better to have enemies at this point at least I would be cautious. shiet... I gotta cut this person and any other trash outta my life. its sad though cause as i type this I already feel myself make excuses for this person because I see and know the situation that was surrounding this person. however that doesnt give anyone the right to screw me over. could have been straight with me and i would have been supportive.
sigh other than this incident life itself is pretty much the same. i gotta come up with plans for my life. first i gotta find a job and make me some money so that I can go on my long over due vacation. maymay get ur ass together already. ehh i'm starting, yes i said starting to feel like such a loser.
its been hard to look at myself in the mirror lately. myself selfesttem is with my mood prolly somewhere in hell. actually i am exaggerating I am feeling better right now. I'm giving myself a talk. isnt there a name for talks where u try to boost morale? yep i deserve more than all this I just gotta work for what I want. if i want change then i have to change. the first thing i have to work on would be my way of thinking! i gotta be cold ass bitch so I can do whatever i need to get whatever i want and to put out anyone who stands in my way.
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